Ah Man, My Bills are Too Damn High

I Haven't Been Out in a While Is This still how people dress?

His middle name is comfort

Someone in here has too much perfume on

Come to our party there will be tons of people you don't know #meme

I'm getting too old for this shit #meme

How I feel when I work out - how I look #meme

That's not racism, that's America #meme

No, I don't think we need to turn off the air conditioner #meme

I'm totally okay to drive, where are the keys to my stroller

I can't be addicted to Pinterest - it's free, duh!

I am in shape, that shape is a potato

Yes, please tell me again how great the wire is

If I knew I'd get old I would've paid attention

Copy and paste isn't talent

Phoning it in since the new year

Let's celebrate by poisoning ourselves

If progress this is, a time machine I'll need

I'll take biggest regrets for $1,000 Alex

Animals don't worry about retirement

That...was your rock bottom

I thought by now, someone would've asked me about my S.A.T. scores

This season of me is the worst!

I showered for this

What's not to like about sluts?

The world would be more interesting if conspiracy theories were true

Everyone thinks I'm holding it together

If you can't get what you want, get too much of something else

Requires 3 whiskies (not included)

I figured out my problem, I have a bad motivator

What's your favorite tragic flaw of mine?

I would've brought you flowers but fuck you

In France you would be replaced

I gave up french fries and started dying inside

Yes but, now that a man has said it we can move forward

Your generation is the worst

I got what I give and I hate it

That's not how the Greeks did it

You look like you were put together without following instructions

You are the Jar Jar of people

Lives will be changed but not for the better

I looked at your low point and laughed

I bet your fantasies all involve meadows

I bet your memoir is just one long cry

Whatever, I went to art school

May contain trace amounts of badass

Is this what Appetite For Destruction sounded like to my mom

That bandwagon is already full

I don't reread book very often which basically means I'm moving them from house to house until I'm dead

You gave up your career for this?